TW: Discussions of rape and retaliatory violence.

Enter the comments section of any article about rape or sexual assault and you'll likely see two things from men: leading questions about false accusations (which, by and large, don't happen) and big talk about what the commenter would do if he found out someone attacked his daughter or friend.

The latter is usually a variation on "beat the assailant to within an inch of their life" if not kill them entirely. He'll teach that rapist a lesson that they'll never forget.

We see this kind of thing in movies all the time. Sin City is a notable example where the Bruce Willis character shoots off a child rapist's genitals and we're encouraged to cheer him on, but this is by no means the only example. In fact, it's an entire trope and dates back to at least Shakespeare.

In such stories, the rapist is usually a melodramatic villain, exemplifying pure evil with no redeeming qualities. They are extremely violent people with no moral center and so, as a result, the protagonist can do whatever violent acts to them in retaliation they want with no sense of guilt.

In fact, the more gruesome it is, the more heroic they are. In the Shakespearean version, for example, the rapists are murdered, cooked into pies, and fed to their own mother (Titus Andronicus is a wild play).

Often, media reflects the fantasies of the culture that created it. Well over a decade ago, a guy I'd known for forever raped a friend of mine whom I hadn't known nearly as long. And I was enraged.

I don't consider myself a violent person, but in the moment I found out, there was potential for it. And if I had also access to a weapon? It could have possibly turned deadly.

I'm not sure how that would have helped my friend, though.

Far from defending women or feminist ideals, this reaction is an enactment of the male fantasy. It's an excuse to express violent tendencies in a socially acceptable way. When men talk about what they'd do, they're not protecting women: they're boasting and showing off.

Sensationalized depictions in media

It's important to note that, while all rape is violent, the acts on display in this kind of media represent a kind of extreme version of it. Again, going back to Titus Andronicus, the poor woman isn't just the victim of rape, the two men also cut off her tongue and her hands, in order to prevent her from telling anybody about they did to her.

This reinforces the idea of rapists as monsters. To be clear: rape is a monstrous act that removes, in one way or another, a person's sense of autonomy. But the belief that rapists are literal and obvious monsters like the Yellow Bastard in Sin City provides a veil of protection for the more common everyday rapists who walk among us.

As such, the promise of retaliatory action seldom comes to fruition. Those same commenters promising to enact their revenge are also the ones insisting that a woman didn't experience "real" rape or suggesting that maybe there was just a miscommunication (as if that would even matter).

There's a big difference in what somebody says they will do and what they have done. The specific number varies by study, but whichever one you pull up, you'll find that a significant number of women are the victims of rape or attempted rape in their lifetimes.

While that doesn't necessarily mean that a significant number of men are rapists, it does mean that every single one of us almost certainly knows victims in our social circles.

So you men in the comments, promising to unleash hell on the rapists who hurt the people in your lives: How often have you actually followed through?

Retaliation does not help victims

I don't doubt that there are examples of men who actually have enacted revenge, though I imagine they're in the minority. My guess is that these threats are mostly just an attempt to sound tough and feel protective.

But the good news is you don't need to murder somebody and rip out their entrails in order to protect the women around you, nor would it probably do much to help.

As men, it should be our goal to prevent rape and assault wherever possible. Because carrying out punishment does not actually undo the crime. And, while every person is different, I'd imagine that many victims have more empathy than their attackers and don't actually get a thrill out of seeing another human being harmed.

Listening to victims extends beyond just believing them: it's understanding how they want you to help.

In the case of my friend, I think she just wanted somebody to listen to her afterwards and make her feel like she wasn't crazy.

What to do

It's true that enough violence will stop a rapist from ever raping again. But we don't need to jump to extreme measures like baking people into pies as a preventative measure.

In a recent post by B., the author tells a story of a threatening man on a train and the two men who stood by, watching and doing nothing. When her brother showed up, "…they (the two men) suddenly became invested in my safety…"

She's choosing her words carefully in the headline when she tells men to "speak up." Just being there and showing what side you're on can make a huge difference and motivate the men around you to act.

Do not wait for someone to assault somebody you care about as a call to action. There's plenty you can be doing now to help create a culture where women feel safe around men. And it doesn't involve buying firearms or ammunition or sharpening your hunting knives.

When women tell you the jokes you're laughing at aren't funny, listen to them. When they talk to you about how scared they are of men, hear what they have to say. Do not take it personally.

I believe most of us do want to live in a world where women can move about as safely as we can without fear of somebody hurting them or worse.

Let me be clear: They can't.

The sooner we all accept that, the sooner we can work towards making that world a reality.

For the record, the rapist I'd known for most of my life? I cut off all ties to him, ignoring his phone calls and Facebook messages.

Did anyone ever teach him a lesson? Did karma get the better of him? Did somebody eventually turn him in?

Not to my knowledge.

In fact, I later found out that he'd become a cop.

Hat tip to Kate H for her suggesting the topic for this article.

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