New Years Resolutions are payback for gorging on holiday food and imbibing spirits and other alcoholic beverages. Since admittedly I usually fail to keep most of the resolutions aimed at making me a better wife, sister, and friend, I've decided to try a different tack this year. I'm going straight for the jugular and crafting New Years resolutions that if kept will make me a better and more dearly beloved companion animal partner.

These resolutions are the result of thousands of hours of mind-reading my pets. I usually double check their brain messages through their body language and physical behavior to make sure I've arrived at the correct conclusion. For instance, when one of my cats strikes a thoughtful pose on the kitchen table and will not move despite my insistent prodding, I intuit that this cat either has gas or is angry at me for some as yet undisclosed omission on my part.

Of course then I must use my ESP — extrasensory pet — smarts to find out if the cat is distraught because (a) I've failed to give her sufficient head rubs; (b) I've failed to fill her food bowl to the very tippy top so she doesn't have to bend over too much; © I've failed because in a fit of early morning sleepiness I called her by the wrong name; or (d) None of the above.

In the rare event I can not deduce the cause of my cat's stubborn behavior, I merely file this anecdote in my steel-trap mind as a nonsensical happening that requires no action on my part other than to say, "Please excuse me for the sins of omission or commission that I have hence rendered." This kind of groveling usually works and covers a multitude of misconduct on my part.

But as I am a well-known expert in uncovering the mysterious behaviors of companion animals, I usually know why my cat or dog has chosen to communicate his or her animosity, stubborness, foolishness, etc. And more importantly I can interpret his or her physical postures or vocalizations.

So for instance, if Tootsie, as in the above example, will not move off the kitchen table with a teensy bit of hand pushing and I know it's due to my failure to give her sufficient attention, I remedy the situation by merely smiling at my ginger cat, tickling her under the chin, and promising that cross my heart and hope to die I will never shortchange her again.

So now that you know how I arrive at my companion animal communiques, here are the Pet Resolutions for 2021. Hold the fanfare until the end, but you can throw me a few food coupons if the spirit moves you.

1. I resolve not to show my disgust when the 15-year-old dog poops on whatever carpet he chooses to make a deposit on. If I were a centenarian I probably wouldn't be able to find the toilet either, much less remember to flush away the remains of the day.

2. I resolve to nag my husband on a more regular basic to freshen the gravel in the two litter boxes so the two ginger cats don't turn their little pink noses up in extreme distress at the smell and decide that it's not such a bad idea to defecate on the master bed.

3. I resolve to monitor the pet food supplies more closely so that I don't run out of inventory and then have to pinch hit with some creative nutritional replacements that the dogs will sniff at and walk away from. Quickly.

4. I resolve to allow the one ginger cat (Tootsie) to walk about my head and shoulders for five to ten minutes every day as needed. She is also allowed to butt her face on my nose and rustle her front paws in my hairdo in an affectionate teasing but gentle way provided her nails are short. To whit: Since this kitty habit usually takes place when I am on the laptop, I will not show my frustration by banging down the cover of the laptop to prevent her from erasing key text and/or carrying out innovative strategies particularly with the Esc key.

5. I resolve not to tug on knotted, matted schnauzer beards during grooming sessions since the dogs really, really hate that and will hold these clumsy, mean-spirited tactics against me until the day they or I die, whichever comes first.

6. I resolve to find a better way to convince the former show schnauzer, aka Butch, that he must have four feet firmly placed in the tub for bathing to take place or else the sprayed water will go in 20 directions and Mom will mouth hate-filled obscenities that she doesn't really mean but will make her seem abusive and an advocate of speciesism, which if you don't already know means the belief that humans are morally above other species. Please note I have never been or never will be a member of any party or organization that espouses speciesism. Amen.

7. I resolve not to accidently lock any one of the two ginger cats in the laundry room or clothes closet for more than 30 minutes max. If I don't see both of them cruising merrily in the house, I will execute a high-quality search-and-rescue operation with all the resources known to mankind.

8. I resolve to clean and refill the water bowls whenever they seem dirty, not just when I feel like it or one of the five schnauzers gives me a nasty look like I'm to blame for all the food particles floating on the top. I'll also try to add only cold water because lukewarm offerings do not make for happy campers!

9. I resolve not to startle the 15-year-old schnauzer by jumping over him, screaming "let's go out," or otherwise insisting that he awaken from an extremely deep sleep that if it weren't for the rhythmic rise and fall of his chest the companion animal partner might mistake as "going gently into that good night."

10. I resolve to clean out the crud that seems to collect in the corners of the eyes of the five schnauzers and not go "ewwww" when I do so because it insults them and does not add to the efficiency of the process.

I believe that the above ten resolutions comprise a healthy start for the New Year. If I am to succeed and become an improved companion animal partner, I will need cooperation from corporate America in the provision of food as well as a "non-distraction policy."

Said non-distraction policy is defined as no phone calls, texts, emails, doorbells, or dumb spousal questions while I am fulfilling my obligations to my companion animals. Provided these two provisions are met, there's a 50–50 chance I shall be an improved companion animal partner by December 2021.

I submit these resolutions in good faith and hereby affix my seal, which is invisible, but looks a lot like doggy footprints.