Addiction and Healing

"Despite what you may think, Karen, smoking doesn't make you cool!" Every adult authority figure in my life in the late 1980s. As a teenager, I would vehemently argue that "wanting to be cool" was not why I smoked.

However, now that I am older and in the early stages of giving up smoking, I can see that it has played a pervasive role in my identity. It made me feel "cool," but not how some define that term.

I began smoking because I had low self-esteem, depression, and stressors beyond my ability to cope with at the time. Smoking helped me to build a wall between myself and other people. It gave me a false sense of confidence and protection while being my constant companion for four decades.

My mother asked me once when I would give up smoking so that I could live longer and enjoy life.

My response was, "Why would I want to live longer?"

Over the years, I would only give up smoking for pregnancy and nursing and promptly resume the habit when it was safe for the baby. Other than that, I had no interest in quitting.

Slowly though, smoking began to betray me just like every other addiction does in an addict's life.

It becomes a love/hate relationship. You love all the comforts it once brought but hate the consequences of the addiction holding you hostage.

About ten years ago, I was driving down the road one evening, and a group of young men yelled over to me at a red light. "You are too pretty to smoke." Of course, I was going to make a witty comeback, but just as I opened my mouth, my voice caught in my throat, and I began a scratchy sentence. They started laughing at me.

I was humiliated.

Not only was my voice changing, but exercising became increasingly more challenging. I didn't particularly enjoy standing outside in the cold and rain. My hands would become chafed from washing several times daily, trying to hide the smell.

I hated feeling anxiety about when, where, and how I would smoke in certain situations. Now that I have reached middle age, I can even see the effects smoking has had on my skin in the form of wrinkles around my lips.

In early February, I decided to quit. Having learned more healthy ways of coping with life, I felt l owed myself the opportunity to give up such a controlling habit and I want to be around to help those I love through life.

It feels pretty damn "cool" to take this wall down and explore life without cigarettes.

Thank you for reading. If you are struggling with addiction of any kind, there is hope.