Writing about how to get an avoidant ex back is kinda like putting a neon sign over my head that reads "Throw rocks at me, I deserve it!"
We all know we should respect ourselves enough to walk away from relationships that aren't right for us, but my inbox is often flooded with one very specific question: How do I get my avoidant ex back?
I'm not here to glorify the art of bending over backward for someone who isn't bending at all, or to recommend chasing after a person who doesn't want to be with you. I'm also not suggesting you squish yourself into an uncomfortable box to meet the needs of another while abandoning your own. It's more of an exposé — a behind-the-scenes look at what it actually takes to lure an avoidant ex back, why it sometimes works, and, more importantly, the psychological tightrope you'd be walking if it does.
If you're the kind of person Googling tricks and hacks to make an avoidant partner return to you — this one's for you.
The Uncomfortable Truth About Avoidants + Anxious Preoccupieds
If you're reading still, I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that you're an anxious attacher. Research shows us that anxious preoccupied attachment types and avoidant attachment types are often highly attracted to each other. For a minute or two, before the anxious behavior triggers the avoidant behavior which means — and let's be honest — it all turns to sh1t.
One thing you need to be aware of before we can discuss how to get your avoidant ex back is the avoidant cycle of shame (at least that's what I call it). They follow this cycle pretty closely and once it's gone full cycle, there's no prize at the end, it's a perpetual encore — where they just do it again, and again, and again.
The Avoidant Cycle of Shame
Let's pretend this is an agile environment, which is workplace speak for things are done incrementally over set periods of time called "sprints."
There are eight sprints to the cycle of shame
Sprint 1: The avoidant is lonely and wants to find someone to love them
Sprint 2: They meet you and think they've found that person (of course they do, you're great!)
Sprint 3: Something about your attachment style triggers their sensitivities. Perhaps you wanted to actually spend time with them, or you make them unusually happy and comfortable (cue the discomfort about comfort — it's a mindboggler for sure)
Sprint 4: They begin toying with the idea of leaving. They start asking themselves if this feels right. They start fault finding in their minds. Perhaps your boobs are too small or you don't eat exactly what they eat (real reasons in an avoidants mind — at least this played out in my life)
Sprint 5: It all becomes too much. Not only do you eat salads and vegetables, but you chew too loudly and they're pretty sure their ex was prettier than you. Whatever the reasons, they decide to pull the plug and leave. This leaves you blindsided because they've been deciding to leave you over quite some time but have said nothing about it to you. But alas, they leave. Gone.
Sprint 6: Happiness prevails. They are quite elated that they've left. They feel a sense of freedom from this person that actually liked them. Good riddance, they think!
Sprint 7: Hang on a minute, there's loneliness out there. They begin to see they're not as happy being alone and free as they thought they would be. They're lonely now. Uh-oh.
Sprint 8: "Woe is me" is the final stage. Their brain starts playing with their feelings making them wonder why it always happens that they find someone, fall for them, and then discover they're so flawed and have to leave and then end up alone. Is there even someone out there for them — the thoughts they think run wild.
Your Best Chance of Getting an Avoidant Ex Back is During Sprint 8
It really doesn't matter what you do during sprints 1–7, your avoidant ex is not going to want to come back. You can demand, be loving, be supportive, beg — it's not going to work. The only time you stand a chance is that sprint 8 time. Now, keep in mind, every avoidants cycle is different. What may take one avoidant 3 weeks to get through stage 3 might take another avoidant months. If you've known your avoidant ex for a long time, you'll likely have some clue of their patterns or could work it out and that puts you more in the driver's seat.
What proof do I have? Well, avoidants only start revisiting the notions of how wonderful their ex was or start longing for them once that person is out of the relationship and unavailable. This requires zero engagement which means that when it comes to you, their deactivation system is not triggered (anymore). Being unavailable and out of touch only has the biggest impact in sprint 8 when the avoidant is alone, feeling isolated, and starting to wonder if they made a mistake ending things with you.
I can almost hear your cogs moving. Yes, this means a few things for getting an avoidant ex interested in you again:
- You have to cease contact
- You have to become a little mysterious on social media
- You have to appear to have moved on (first prize if you actually do move on because then it won't matter and you won't be setting yourself up for heartache by going back to your ex)
The Plan to Get Your Avoidant Ex Back
Everything needs a plan if you want to it to work. And my hope is that while you're working on this plan, you lose interest in your avoidant ex and actually walk away willingly. But, here's the plan nonetheless.
Go No Contact with Your Avoidant Ex
If you've been sending those desperate messages or even messages that try to evoke feelings or emotions or pity, stop. Don't send a nasty text saying "we aren't talking anymore." Just disengage. Stop sending messages, stop liking and commenting on social media, and stop going to the same places where you usually bump into them. Just stop.
First of all, they will notice even if they don't say anything.
Second of all, it's now time to take all of the attention off them and put it on yourself.
Going no contact is not a mean thing. You don't have to completely remove them your life and ignore every single message. It's more about sending the message that your feelings have changed. Your attention is elsewhere now. Almost like you're busy and open to them if they are the ones to do the communicating. In my experience, that means answering messages but never sending the first.
And, a secret little weapon… ending the conversation while it's still on a high note. If they're having a good chat, suddenly end the convo with "have to run, chat soon."
No explanations. And don't reach out or engage on any platforms.
If nothing else, you'll be sending a message that you don't need them as much as thought you did. Did they make a mistake and misjudge you? That's what they will be thinking by sprint 8, that's for sure.
Going no contact works on an avoidant because it allows them to settle down and their deactivation system is no longer triggered. While this can work, it's also something to think about. What will you do the next time you trigger them (if you do get back together) and they ditch you? Are you willing to go through this again?
Do. The. Work. Get Secure
Becoming more secure should be your number one focus during this time. You're not staring at your phone waiting for them to message you back or do the first reach out. No. Hell no!
You need at least 3 weeks to reprogram your subconscious to being more secure and feeling good about you. There are tons of courses online you can do to start working on your own core wounds that inspire negative self beliefs. I am not a huge fan of self promotion and I'm likely a bit awkward about it. But, if you're looking for a convenient daily practice, I've create a workbook on becoming more sure and happy in 21 days, available on Amazon.
The reason I am recommending this is because anxious preoccupied attachment style can be painful. I used to be anxious and I can see just how much better I am as a more secure person. Relationships feel more comfortable and wholesome. During this time, you'll start to feel great about who you are and that type of confidence and self worth is attractive to any attachment style (another secret weapon).
In addition to that, when dating someone, there are two attachment styles that come together. Yours and your partner's. It's likely that you'll rub off on each other, which means you'll either make your partner more anxious (if you have anxious attachment) or you'll make them more secure (if you have secure attachment). Think about that for a minute. Being secure is not just one step in the right direction — it's several!
Become Mysterious on Social Media & Show You're Moving On
When going no contact with your avoidant ex, piquing their interest is (yet another) secret weapon. Spend a few weeks getting a makeover, working on fitness, doing the secure exercises, and posting absolutely nothing on social media. Then, bam! Post something that shows you looking different and fab, paired with something positive that shows just how well you're doing. If you ever wanted to trigger some mild anxiety in an avoidant, that's one effective way.
Don't bombard. Be elegant about it.
Then, go back to not posting on social media. Now, their mind is running wild. If you're anything like my avoidant ex, you're scrambling for your phone to text a mutual friend and get more info.
Another perk to being a bit more mysterious on social media is that you stop "randomly" scrolling over their social pages and obsessing. You need to limit your screen time and start focusing on building the life you want. This means that when/if you do get back together, they will be an addition to your already-full-and-rewarding life, not the main event.
By developing your own hobbies, becoming part of a different social group, and getting on with your life, you're really sending a message to your ex that you're moving on in a mature (and very attractive) way. And this is what gets their attention in sprint 8.
Why Do Avoidants Usually Want Their Exes Back When It Looks Like They're Unavailable Out of the Relationship?
An avoidant's attachment style may dictate how they feel about no contact, obvious signs of you doing well and moving on and a bit of mystery paired with sprint 8 and their loneliness. Here's a look:
- They Often Fear of Losing Control: Avoidants often feel a need to maintain a sense of control over relationships. When an ex moves on, they might perceive this as losing influence or control, triggering a reaction to "reclaim" the connection.
- Emotional Distance Creates Longing in the Avoidant: Avoidants are uncomfortable with emotional closeness, but paradoxically, they may miss the emotional security an ex provided when that person appears unavailable. The emotional distance reignites their interest.
- Ego and Validation Seeking: Seeing an ex move on can challenge the avoidant's self-perception. They may feel invalidated or rejected, prompting a desire to regain the relationship as a way to validate their worth.
- Fear of Finality — the end is nigh: Avoidants often manage relationships by creating emotional distance, but when an ex moves on, it may represent a level of finality they aren't prepared for, stirring feelings they usually suppress.
- Selective Memory and Idealization: Over time, avoidants may forget the challenges of the relationship and idealize their ex (if you haven't read about Phantom Ex syndrome — I wrote about it here on Medium), especially when faced with the reality of them moving on. This idealization can motivate a desire to reconnect.
A Simple Plan Outline to Get Your Avoidant Ex Back in Recap
- Go no contact (never be the first person to reach out and always leave the convo on a high note) — try not respond at all for at least 3 weeks or 4 if you can.
- Do the subconscious exercises for 21 days straight: Find them in this post
- Be mysterious on social media for a few weeks.
- Make a new friend or join a new social group (try Meetups or similar)
- Return to social media showing how well you're doing and that you've moved on with a positive post showing you looking great with a positive quote.
Conclusion
The trick to making an avoidant think you've moved on in order to get their attention again is to actually move on. I know several people who have tried this and it's worked, but I'll tell you this — it's game playing. Playing a game might get you short term rewards (they may come back) but there's the risk of you triggering them again, which means you could get stuck in the avoidant's cycle of shame with them, going round and round every time. If you want to break the cycle, do the work to become secure. Inspire them to do the work too, or ultimately, in the process you may find and like yourself, and choose someone who can give you all the things you're willing to give in a relationship — no games required.
I also wrote about the 7 traits that avoidants find most attractive here on Medium — you may want to see if these are traits you're actually comfortable with. If you're not, maybe your ex isn't exactly the right one for you.