After my relationship of 8 years ended, I remember my family, friends, coworkers, bosses — everyone was shocked. They all thought my ex-boyfriend and I were going to get married. But the more distance I had away from my 8-year relationship, the more I started to realize that although the relationship had a lot of wonderful moments, and I have no doubt that my ex-boyfriend and I loved each other very much, I think over time I became his placeholder girlfriend.

Why do I feel like a placeholder?

Being a placeholder in someone's life is a pretty gut-wrenching realization. For example, you could be dating someone for months or years, but if they don't see a future with you, chances are they will not commit to you long-term. I think this phenomenon has gotten worse as more people struggle with the "paradox of choice," which has been exacerbated by limitless dating options thanks to online dating apps. Despite being a placeholder in a relationship, that placeholder person is still investing their time in the relationship. They are working on the relationship. And they are contributing to the relationship. But in the end, they are just buying time for their partner to find someone "better."

What does being a placeholder mean?

Usually, someone is or becomes a placeholder because the other person doesn't see a lasting future for the relationship, or they believe they can upgrade to a new partner in the future. However, in the meantime, these people are often afraid or don't want to be alone. I'm not sure whether people always, consciously, decide that they want someone as a placeholder girlfriend or boyfriend. But typically there are a few signs that could help you determine whether you're a placeholder in someone's life.

Your partner can't vocalize the future

The inability to plan or talk about the future is a very clear sign that you may be a placeholder for the person you're dating. This happened to me. After three years of dating, I asked my ex-boyfriend whether he saw a future with me. His response was filled with frustration, anger, and confusion. At the time, I was in my mid-twenties and a bit naive, so I thought what I was asking for was overstepping. In my gut, I knew I needed an answer. But I acted like the "cool girlfriend," and didn't ask about the future again until the following year. Even then, I always got the same answers: "I don't know," "don't rush me," or "I'm not ready." Relationships, like people, are supposed to grow and evolve. When someone wants everything to stay the same, that's a sign to leave.

When they do talk about the future, you're not in it

During my long-term relationship, there were so many moments when my ex-boyfriend would say things like, "I can't wait to quit my job and buy a home in the mountains," or, "I can't wait to move to a new city." Whenever he would say those plans out loud, he would never include me, even when I'd ask, "what about me?" When he would realize he left me out of his plans, he'd tell me I was being too sensitive, or give me vague responses. The reality was that I wasn't a part of his future building, which meant I wasn't in his future plans. When someone fails to include you or acknowledge you in their plans, whether those plans are 10 years from now or next weekend, that's a sign that they aren't thinking about you.

They're absorbed in their needs

From forgetting important aspects of your life to ignoring what you say, those who are placeholders are often not taken seriously. Instead, the person you're dating might be more obsessed with their own needs instead of considering your needs. For instance, you might have to work late and when you come home, you find that you partner didn't bother cooking a meal for the two of you even though you regularly cook and support them. Or when they buy groceries, they purchase what they need and they don't ask you if there's anything you want. Or if you meet them at a restaurant and they don't bother to greet you or acknowledge you when you sit down or ask about your day, instead, they jump straight into their own thoughts, problems, and needs.

You don't feel included

It's important to have individual lives and priorities outside of one's relationship. But if you feel like you're not included in weekend plans, financial decision-making, or deciding even what movie to watch during date night, that may be a sign that your opinions don't matter to your partner. We're social creatures, it's natural for us to crave inclusion and acknowledgment. If your partner fails to make you feel like you're a part of the relationship, that's not a relationship at all. That's a person who is taking advantage of your time and energy.

You don't have traditions together

During my 8 year relationship, I had to persist in making traditions with my ex-boyfriend. Whenever the holidays rolled around, he would simply stay in his room coding or working on his side projects. Growing up, my mother had severe depression, so my family didn't celebrate much because she didn't have the energy, drive, or motivation to do anything. Therefore, it became important for me to create traditions that I could look forward to celebrating with my partner. For example, I created an annual Passover dinner that my ex-boyfriend and I would host. I would invite our friends and family over to our house where they would be treated to a home-cooked meal and we would observe the Passover traditions. The experience brought me and my ex-boyfriend a lot of great, shared memories. But one year, I was working really hard in a new job and I didn't have a lot of time to plan the Passover dinner. When I asked my ex-boyfriend to help, he said he was too busy to help. The tradition of Passover dinner ended up dying in our home because I realized I was the only one keeping it alive. When you don't have shared traditions whether that's celebrating holidays, an annual trip, a monthly budget meeting, or making banana pancakes on the weekend, you lose some of the joy and stability of a relationship. Sharing activities, traditions, and moments can help build stronger bonds and deeper relationships between couples. If your partner shows no interest in this, you should say something about why creating and sharing traditions are important to you.

You've never met their friends or family

I didn't go through this experience personally, but I have some friends who have dated individuals for months or years and never once met their families or friends. How people incorporate others into our lives, not just into their households and routines, but into their social networks is important. When a partner introduces you to their friends and family, they are demonstrating to you that they are invested in you and the relationship and that it's important enough for them that they want to share the relationship with their loved ones.

Being a placeholder is no fun. In fact, it can be detrimental and rob you of precious time. Worse, it can make you skeptical of love and relationships in the future. We often wish for the best in relationships, but I think it's also important to be aware of your needs and whether they are being met.

In my old relationships, I was always encouraged to do whatever my ex-boyfriends wanted, to not make them upset, to keep them happy, often at the expense of my own time, life, and happiness. The most infinite resource we have in life is our time, don't let someone waste yours.