You also might be surprised to learn that I'm actually a medical expert. No, I'm not a doctor, but I dated one for like three years and I picked up a lot of useful information — number one being that doctors are narcissists who only care about themselves. But seriously, that relationship was fucked. And even more seriously, I've got a lot of helpful hints for you hypochondriacs. Oh, hypochondria, in case you didn't know, is a condition that affects people who are alive. That's right, anybody alive is very likely pretty damn worried about one thing and one thing only — the possibility of not being alive any more.
It's called mortality and it sucks!
But if you like me are worried about every single physical symptom or sign and tend to catastrophize and dramatize and freak out over nothing, this article is for you! Enjoy!
Three signs you're having a stroke that you might ignore…
…because you used to do a lot of hallucinogens and you're really good at going with the flow and just "riding it out."
A pain radiating down your arm is not necessarily a heart attack.
It could mean you got your arm stuck in the combine machine. Ouch.
How to tell if it's a coronary infarct or just indigestion.
You haven't died yet. The moment you die, you can be one hundred percent sure it wasn't indigestion.
Sugar doesn't cause type 2 diabetes. This does.
Eating sugar. If we didn't eat it, we'd be fine, so don't blame sugar.
Chest pains and shortness of breath could be angina.
Or maybe Aunt Gina. Coincidentally, she just texted. She's at the train station and she's come for a surprise visit. But that doesn't mean you don't also have angina. Or, and hear me out, Aunt Gina's surprise visit might actually have CAUSED the angina, as stress is known to be a factor, and visits with Aunt Gina have been known to cause you much stress, especially since she's a very demanding and annoying person who doesn't really bring much to the table. On the other hand, she's your only aunt. So see — that's stressful.
If you have a hole in your heart…
…that might be a congenital condition or a relationship metaphor. The first one can be fixed by surgery. The second one, not so much.
How to tell if your liver has cancer.
Ask the butcher for the cow's medical chart.
11 cancer symptoms you should never ignore.
Wait, there are other symptoms of cancer that you SHOULD ignore? How can that be?
Changes in bathroom habits could be bad news.
Or they could be just a fun new kinky phase you and your girlfriend are giving a try.
Play close attention to your stool.
It should have at least three legs. Come on dummy, a two-legged stool is just going to fall down every time.
Diarrhea is your own fault.
Don't try to pin that mess on cancer. You're the one that ate the six-day old tuna sandwich. Cancer doesn't even like to eat tuna. It prefers human.
Frequent urination is bad.
But so is infrequent urination. This is called the Goldilocks problem. How do you know when you're urination is "just right?" Who the hell knows, but get going, would ya, the bears are going to be back soon and if they catch you peeing in this outhouse they'll make you into porridge.
Blood in your urine
Means it's too late, the bears already came back.
Bloating is nothing to worry about.
Just push as hard as you can and it will come out as a fart. (Careful though, you know what I mean, messy pants).
Lumps and bumps are not necessarily cancer.
Don't be overly neurotic about them. But don't ignore them. In other words, be neurotic about them. Am I confusing you?
Persistent coughing…
…is incredibly annoying to the people around you. Stop it.
A long lasting sore throat means…
…you might want to ease up on the deep throating honey. Who are you trying to impress anyway?
Unexplained weight loss?
Yes please!
Jaundice.
Well dummy, the next time you sign up for a three-week re-enactment of the Mayflower voyage from Southhampton, England to Plymouth, Mass, remember to bring some frickin limes!
Unhealed sores…
This article is getting grosser and grosser. I love it!
Long-lasting fever.
When I kiss you. Fever when I hold you tight. Fever!! It's fever all through the night! No, it's not cancer, it's Captain Smith and Pocahontas. They had a very mad affair. I love these re-enactments! Pass me a lime wouldya?
Mood changes.
Not necessarily a bad thing. What if your mood changes from fairly happy to excited and enthusiastic? Nothing wrong with that. Where you have problems is when you go from kind of annoyed to this:
Never mind, look, there's two guys coming right now to chuck this depressing Ola right off the bridge.
Unexplained rash.
Could be that incurable super-bug of gonorrhea. Or maybe you should shower more than once a month.
Unusual behavior.
Like what? Writing an article about heart attacks, strokes, cancer and unhealed sores and tagging it humor? Yeah, that's a sign of a serious illness.
Feeling generally "out of sorts."
Probably cancer, sorry.
Head Pain.
What I get trying to think of more medical humor. It's fucking hard. Every joke I do here I think, Oh God, what if someone reads this and they really do have cancer or a heart attack or a stroke or they really do go on historical re-enactments, I mean, wouldn't that be sad?
Trouble chewing.
It could be three things. 1) you are a cow with a cud problem. 2) you are a dog and your master purchased these Acme unchewable slippers. or 3) you overcooked the pasta.
Bad taste in your mouth.
You're an untrained, recently mobilized Russian soldier and you've just been ordered to the front?
Nine signs of dementia.
9) You're still reading this article. What? I just told you the other 8. You forgot already?
Fatigue or drowsiness.
What the reader is probably experiencing right about now. Time to get out with a bang.
Difficulty swallowing.
Don't worry, sweetheart, just spit it out. He ain't worth a swallow anyway.
Bada bing, badda boom! My work here is done. Dr. Christine is turning off her pager.
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