Why do you ignore red flags in the people you love? If you think you're alone, you're not. Most of us do the same. As soon as a person we love exposes a major fault, we tend to look for an excuse. Oh, they didn't mean it, they're just dealing with their trauma…It's okay. If I just love them harder they will fix the flag and it will go away.

Playing this kind of dimissive game is dangerous and can get you trapped in dangerous relationships. Looking past the red flags doesn't give us a ladder into a better relationship. In fact, you could be setting yourself up for major failure. People who ignore the red flags of their romantic partners pay the highest cost in terms of self, love, and future happiness.

It's important to acknowledge the red flags.

Red flags aren't casual blips in personality or behavior. They are significant markers of issues that will cause significant damage later down the road. For example, you may see a red flag when a new partner gets into a fight at a bar or at a football game. You may see them in the nasty things they say to former partners or members of their own family.

Some of the most common red flag behaviors include:

• Intense jealousy
• Physical confrontation
• Gaslighting and rumor-mongering
• Toxic family connections
• Turbulent relationship history
• Lack of friends and family

You cannot afford to avoid anyone's red flags — especially an intimate partner. The size of the red flag matters not. If they interrupt your sentences or cheat on you from the jump, this range of behaviors (and everything in between) can be signs of bigger issues that are critical to address and overcome.

That comes down to you. Once you've spotted a red flag, it's your responsibility to address it. No, you can't fix it. No, you shouldn't have to. Your responsibility, as a component of the relationship, is to call our red flags when you see them and then react accordingly. The one thing you cannot do is hold on, close your eyes, and hope for the best.

Red flags often escalate, and when they do it's you who can get trapped with no meaningful connections, limited opportunities, and a world of pain and disappointment before you.

What do you lose when you ignore the red flags?

It's true. Ignoring a romantic partner's red flags could come at an extraordinary cost to you, your family, and your friends. There's nothing casual about it. Big or small, someone's worst and most dangerous qualities could result in total isolation and a loss of self, joy, and hope in the process.

1. Loss of connection

One of the biggest costs in red flags relationships is the loss of meaningful connection. Rarely do red flag partners or spouses leave room for their significant others to have relationships outside of theirs. They want to be the center of attention, but more importantly, they don't want to be exposed. The more people that are around you, the more opportunity you have not only to escape but to show the world your partner's flaws. Isolation becomes necessary.

It's very common for toxic partners with lots of red flags like jealousy and commitment issues to isolate their loved ones. Both intentionally and unintentionally they push outsiders away. That may be done by convincing their partner that their love is dependent on it, or that other people are getting in the way.

Some of the loved ones outside of the relationship have no choice but to walk away. Seeing you ignore the obvious red flags becomes painful for them. To preserve their own mental and emotional (as well as physical) health they have to walk away and leave you to your own battles.

This happens a lot in families, who lose members to abusive partners that push them out of the way for greater control of the person looking beyond the warning signs.

2. Loss of opportunities

What kind of opportunities exist in a red flag relationship? It's not a trick question. One has only to think through the realities of some of the biggest red flags. Abusive partners, cheaters, manipulators, dominators, and the emotionally detached, all take a toll on the people around them — especially their long-term romantic partners. As their partners wear away, opportunities are limited.

This can begin with the isolation mentioned above. Little by little, people are pushed out of your life (either intentionally or because they can't stand to watch you destroyed). The less connection you have, the less support you have. The fewer networks you have access to.

There's no one to go to for help, financially, emotionally, or otherwise. You become trapped and in that corner, you find there are no more doors for you to escape through. Our human-to-human connections are villages of support more than anything else. You limit your means of escape when you settle for red-flag partners.

3. Loss of self

Toxic people is often the ones who display the reddest flags. For example, consider the person who moves in with a narcissist or uber-jealous manipulator. Their partner becomes the center of their lives. Every extra ounce of emotional and mental energy is spent tending to the toxic partner's needs and keeping them comfortable and happy. Who gets lost in that? The person tending to all those needs.

If you settle into a life with someone covered in red flags, you could be destroying your relationship with yourself. It's both a form of self-destruction and a form of self-denial. Red flag partners take up a lot of room and there's not always a lot of room left over for you to take up space for yourself.

You could lose your connection with your sense of self and lose sight of your own personal growth. Years later, you wake up and realize that you're stuck and stagnant in a life that leaves you unfulfilled, with a person who leaves you unfulfilled. Our relationship with self is a lifelong commitment that has to be fostered intentionally within ourselves.

4. Loss of a happy ending

Red flags are always a sign that we've gotten off course somewhere in the relationship. Think of it a little like a wilderness trail. Once the red flags pop up, you know you've strayed off the path and are heading into difficult territory. If you don't take the initiative to turn around, you could wind up stuck in circumstances that are impossible to escape. There's no happy ending down these failing paths.

You'll never be happy in your relationships if you settle for someone who doesn't have the relationship skills that create happiness. That's what red flags ultimately indicate. They are "end of the path" signs that the person displaying them has major flaws (or mismatches in fundamental values).

What happens when you ignore those red flags and keep on the path? You deprive yourself of your happy ending. No, you aren't responsible for their behavior. But you are responsible for committing yourself to someone who doesn't even know how to make themselves happy.

5. Loss of safety

A loss of relationships and optimism are bad, but the harm that can come from ignoring red flags is worse. You don't just shut out the world or steal joy from yourself when you look beyond things that are intolerable. You expose yourself to real danger and can even risk getting trapped with someone who abuses and demeans you. It all starts with those first signs, no matter when they occur in the relationship.

Consider the partner who displays jealousy early in the relationship. If you are someone who doesn't have a romantic reference point, you might find this attractive. You think to yourself, Wow. This person loves me so much they want all of my time and attention. Worse, if you're someone who came from neglect and trauma you may mistake this red flag as a sign of care.

That all changes when those jealous early behaviors escalate into all-out control. You could get trapped in a home with someone who monitors all your phone calls, and starts fights when you give your attention to friends or even your own children. Those first early signs of jealousy should have convinced you to walk away.

This is the exact pattern of misconceptions that trap so many individuals with partners and spouses who abuse and disrespect them.

6. Loss of a happy family

Romantic relationships are far more serious than most of us have a habit of making them. Why? Because they can result in the creation of families, entire future generations of human beings who have to be loved, educated, and encouraged. Two people who come together can result in children, and if red flags aren't addressed before that happens those children could pay the ultimate cost.

If you ignore red flags, you could get pushed to the point of creating a family with a dangerous person and a bad partner who has no ability or desire to support you or your children. How do you think toxic and abusive families are formed? By people who are foolish enough to plug their ears to the sounds of warning sirens.

Unless you want to bring children into suffering, unless you want to saddle them with trauma and emotional scars, then you have to confront the red flags in anyone you consider building a family with. That's your responsibility to any children you desire to bring into the world. You must pick the best possible partner for them as well as you.

The most realistic ways to address red flags.

Red flags in sight, it becomes your responsibility to act. You're the only one who can. A toxic partner with a host of "red flag" behaviors isn't going to change magically. You're not going to "fix" them. Your responsibility is not to them, it's to you. You have to protect yourself by drawing the line and calling out what isn't right or healthy.

1. Honest conversations: Addressing any red flag begins with a conversation. You have to have an honest convo with yourself, then the person with the flag. Not all red flags require an immediate termination of a relationship. If someone is willing to work and change, then talking about the red flag is often a new start on a different path.
2. Creating new boundaries: That being said, it's important to understand that some red flags are non-negotiable. Not only will they never be changed, addressed them through normal conversation can lead to danger and conflict. Serious red flags require setting new boundaries and relegating the relationship to a different space.
3. Getting appropriate help: Some red flags we see in our partners can leave us with deep emotional scars of our own. Worse, they can be a sign of a dangerous person. Getting help is necessary not only to heal the pain caused by the person but also to escape their malice in a safe and productive way.

Talk to people you trust. Open up and get radically honest about your partner's red flags and how they are affecting you. You're going to have to sit with yourself and question what you're willing to put up with. Does your partner's red flags cross a line you can't suffer? The relationship must change or be terminated for your safety and your ultimate happiness.

Feel like you can't escape a partner's red flags? Then it's up to you to reach out to the world and find the help you need to get yourself to higher ground.

While it's true that some red flags are bigger than others, all must be addressed. Things that are red flags violate our inherent boundaries and deny us the things we truly need in a connection with our partners. Something that's a red flag to one partner may not be a red flag to another partner. All the same, confronting the issue is the only way to resolve it.

Decide whether or not that flag can be changed. Is your partner willing to do the work to change it? Or, is it something you would have to accept (and suffer) with? Make a choice and act on it. Whatever you do, do it with the intention of protecting yourself mentally and emotionally, while also ensuring that both people are moving in a direction that's best for them.

You're not going to be a good partner to someone whose red flag fills you with resentment and hurt. They're not going to show up for you in the right ways either. So, resolve it and move forward, or move on and save everyone the heartbreak that lurks behind ignored red flags.

© E.B. Johnson 2024

I am an author, coach, and podcaster who helps survivors manifest their ideal creative lives. Learn more about me at the link below, or click here to join my weekly mailing list.