Even after we broke up, I just wanted him to understand how wrong he was about me. I wanted him to see me for who I truly am.

I was filled with rage about it. And of course heartbreak.

I cried for months after we broke up. It was my choice to break up, and yet it was still so painful that someone knew the depths of my soul and still saw me so negatively.

All of my energy went there.

Even after I finally cut off all communication with him, I was still angry about how he treated me and saw me.

I wanted him to see how awful he was.

I wanted him to own his behaviors as manipulative, coercive, and destructive.

But I knew he would never see them that way. He always saw himself as helping and that justified everything. He saw his views as correct and that he was just bringing light to others. He flicked on the lights even if someone was peacefully sleeping in the dark.

It's hard when you've been wronged and the other person doesn't even see their behavior as wrong.

However, my rage has been dissipating.

As I come to understand myself more and more.

As I structure my life in a way that feels supportive and enjoyable.

As I develop relationships that are loving and caring, both in intention and action.

As I see the good within myself.

I was surprised the other day when I felt a twinge of sadness for my ex. I was searching in my email account for a particular email when I accidentally came across the last email my ex sent me.

I read it. And in it, I could see that he missed me.

I was filled with some empathy for him as I realized that he lost a really caring, loving friend — me.

I can now look back, and instead of just seeing all of the pain he caused me, I can see all the good I brought him.

He will never understand me.

But that is minimal compared to what he lost.

He lost having me in his life.

He lost someone who would listen. Someone who would show up. Someone who would bring random gifts. Someone who was willing to brainstorm. Someone who cared.

It's very new for me to see myself so positively. To realize that I do brings strengths into a person's life.

And he doesn't get those anymore.

And somehow, that helps dissipate the rage.

He doesn't need to be forced to understand. He doesn't need some emotional reckoning.

The absence of me is far, far greater.

If you'd like to read more, you can sign up for my FUNletter or check out my books. I'd recommend starting with Life as a Late-Identified Autistic.