MONKEYS ALWAYS LOOK!'

To get that sing-song playground taunt to be extra insulting, the wicked child needs to stretch out that last word. "Look" becomes "Luh-uh-ook!"

All the boys point up in the sky and nod their heads in unison. When an unsuspecting girl takes interest and follows their gasp, the boys rejoice at their hypnotic powers. They laugh as their mind-control experiment is a success worth gloating about.

Chimpanzee close-up. Mouth open wide, looking upset.
"I hate it when that happens. Wait until they read my headlines!" (Photo by mwangi gatheca on Unsplash)

Fast forward to today's post-Independence Day media.

No need to seek out some extremist website. Start with MSN.com.

Here's a juicy list of ACTION words pulled from just one morning of headlines. Although the list is a mere 20, some repeated phrases may have been the most popular. Including…

embarrassing (2) nearly dead scary accuses (2) dramatic "crush ump" tragic slammed disaster ugly brutal furious suffering "raise alarm" savage "called out" terrifying (2) humiliates nightmare

Pair these provocative, tempting words with vague identifications of the person or people involved in the news. Such as:

WNBA star "this actress" A.L. all-star

The idea is to be as UNHELPFUL as possible while coaxing readers to have a peek. Advertisers, of course, would reap the benefits of such bonus traffic from accidental exposure.

Beginning in 2020, Medium.com has tried to educate writers and publication editors about clickbait headlines, even offering "rules" that discouraged the practice. For instance, clickbait-wary curators would shun any article with a lurid headline of overblown promises.

But clickbait usage is nothing new. Even around the world. BBC News Online ran a 2015 feature called "Clickbait: The changing face of online journalism."

Paying the Price of Clickbait

What is the worst possible outcome for a writer relying on clickbait headlines?

Editors and readers have memories. They know when they've been conned. Any faith and trust a clickbait-addicted writer has created will fade faster than fireworks smoke. Bad reputations result.

Writers who aspire to be more than a one-hit-wonder need to work to build relationships with readers. Shocking tabloid headlines that fail to deliver on outrageous pledges may work in the short term.

Just remember: monkeys DO NOT always look.

Tom Owens rants about soul-sucking jobs and bosses from Heck every day on Twitter. Follow him at @domorebemoreNOW.