Today I had the pleasure of sitting down with Edward Bezos II*, CEO of Bezos Marketing Co., an international marketing firm previously owned by his father Edward Bezos that spends millions of dollars on marketing campaigns for companies that already make millions of dollars without them.

What type of marketing? Well, honestly, all I can glean from their website is that they have a "rockstar team" who will get you "real results." Plus, they worked with huge companies like Forbes, Google, and Analtech.

Here's the interview.

(Note: No relation to Jeff Bezos and it's actually pronounced BEE-ZUS).

Hi Edward, thanks for sitting with me today. So tell me, how has your business been doing since the WFH policy started?

Since the start of working for home, productivity has risen over 420% at my company. It's catastrophic. Clients are getting ridiculous expectations since we're actually meeting our timelines for once.

Frankly, it's absurd. Sundar Pichai, CEO of Google, even called me during the day while I'm golfing to thank me for sending the proposals on time. It's embarrassing me in front of my buddies. I'm there to golf — not work.

I see, how tragic for you. And how is it affecting your staff's health?

Horribly, my staff actually look relaxed and refreshed on our zoom calls. In our last meeting, my CMO cracked a joke. What's with that? Not to mention I can't see the receptionist's ass anymore because it's just out of frame. Pardon my french, but the whole thing is a flaming pile of merde.

All good. And is it affecting your staff's health?

Definitely. Instead of coming home to unwind after your 8-hour shift with 4 hours of overtime, to relax — you're well-rested and actually get a work-life balance. My accountant, Raymond, sent me a voicemail with his kids playing in the background.

It's insanity. Kids don't belong in your workspace. They could give away my greatest advertising ideas to our competitors. I was working on an ad where we cast a Ryan Reynolds lookalike to sell one of his company's competitor products!

What if Ryan Reynolds's kids go to the same school as Raymond's kids and started talking about that? That's a $169 million dollar ad out the window.

What's something you feel NEEDS to be said?

Forgive me but it has to be said. Your home is now a prison. Your cat is one of the prison guards as he constantly demands your attention and refuses to let you leave your desk.

Worse yet, your wife is the sexy lunch lady making you healthy meals throughout the day and you can bone any time you want. Quite frankly, it's a nightmare I'd wish on no one. My employees are having too much sex at home and eating too much food which is making them gain weight. They're not getting enough exercise walking around our 10-story office building for meetings where I show off my favourite new ascot! It's a disaster.

Do you have studies to back up these claims?

Did you know that working remotely is making you FAT. Yes, it is. No, you're gaining weight sitting at your desk all day not being interrupted by coworkers. In the office, you burn over 5,000 calories while standing in the hallway outside my office waiting for me to finish my, uhh, personal meetings.

How can we solve this issue?

If I'm being completement vraiment (That's french for totally honest), this WFH policy is a health hazard. I think the WHO should put warnings on all remote jobs from now on with a skull and cross bones. It's killing people!

Oui, c'est d'accord je parle francais aussi.

Uhh what? I don't speak Spanish.

Nevermind. Is there anything else you wanted to share?

Personally, I can't wait to enforce our in-house policy again. WFH was the biggest mistake of the 21st century. We need to circle back and put employees back in the office again, who else is going to listen to me when I'm annoyed and give me attention when I need it?

Well, that's all the time we had. Hopefully, we'll be able to have the world go back to normal again soon so psychopathic narcissists who run expensive corporations can have their needs met and fat shame their employees while pretending to care about their mental health.

And yes, this was inspired by a REAL LinkedIn post:

About the Author:

Victoria Fraser is a freelance writer, humourist, and podcaster from Vancouver, Canada. Sometimes, she even gets paid to write memes and make people laugh. For more, you can check out her website or follow her on Twitter.