Who on earth wants to sign a paper and gain a whole new family? I'm not talking about adopting babies. If anything they are getting the family, you're just adding them to yours and hopefully you've been allowed to spend some time with them before committing.

Plus you can always send them back. Or exchange for a smaller size (unlike with the Zara, in orphanages no one ever seems to want to go for the bigger sizes).

There are plenty of benefits to adopting a child. It's a good and noble thing to do, both for the environment (fewer mouths to feed and all that) as well as for those poor Irish nuns who are running out of body dumping backyards.

I would say it's good for the kids too, but who knows what sort of fucked up family they'll end up with? I mean, we've all had our brains screwed by our parents. Will adoptive parents do a better job?

Actually, yes, they probably will.

They have to go through a lot of hoops and ladders to even be considered as potential parents, whereas the biological ones only have to get really drunk or forget to use contraception or engage in non-consensual sex with the next-door neighbour.

Or all of the above.

But I digress.

My question is, who was the genius behind the whole idea of in-laws? I mean, really, who comes up with a sordid thing like that? You find a nice boy or girl with whom you don't mind sharing a toilet seat because you kind of enjoy having them around to have sex whenever you feel like.

If you played your cards right, both of you will be responsible enough to use protection when you cheat, so you only need to have the I'm-clean-how-about-you conversation once. And then that's it, you're set for life.

Free diseaseless sex any time you want.

Until one of you idiots starts blabbing about marriage.

"Oh my god, sex got so much better since we got married."

Said no one.

Ever.

Not only have you managed to compromise the single most important thing in your life, now you have to meet the parents as well. And then, to make matters worse, they become your parents. What. The. Nonexistent. Fuck.

(Because you just got married, you dumbass idiot.)

I don't know about you but I don't want new parents. Most of the time I don't even want my parents. What the hell am I supposed to do with his parents? I might have wanted to trade families or get rid of mine, Home Alone style, but never have I ever wanted two for the price of one.

If you love your in-laws and they have been a wonderful addition to your life, go away. I hate you. This article is not for you. Stop reading.

It's not that I don't get along with my husband's family. Actually I get along with them a lot better than I do with him, hence the impending divorce. It's just that I don't want them as my family.

Some of them I dislike and there are those who I just ignore. But the ones I do like have become friends. And that's what I actually need, more friends that I can choose freely. Not more mandatory relatives. I got a load of those when I was born. They'll last me a lifetime.

And don't even get me started on brothers and sisters-in-law.

If you were the sort of kid that couldn't shut up about how much they wanted a little baby brother or a baby sister, go away. What are you still doing here? Didn't I tell you to leave? Freak!

I hated it when people asked me that.

I never wanted a brother or sister. Just the thought of it! What kind of psycho wants to share space, toys, food and attention with a younger, dumber, uglier but cuddlier version of themselves? Unless your last name is Menendez and you're planning something outlandish and slightly criminal, there is really no benefit whatsoever.

A sister-in-law is just someone new to compete with. If it's not who's the better looking (me, what sort of question is that?), better baker or most accomplished, then it's who makes the prettier babies… She does. I'm having none. Zero babies for me, thank you.

Oh, now I've done it.

Good thing I know my emergency exits by heart.

If you get a brother-in-law then you'll probably end up wanting to have sex with him and that's your own fault for getting married in the first place, hence destroying your sex life. Apparently in the Jewish faith it is encouraged that a man weds the widow of his late brother. Other people tend to frown upon it, especially if the husband is reluctant to drop dead.

And step people? Good grief, those are the most pernicious of them all. If I wanted children I'd have my own bloody children. If you can't help me reach high places then you are no step of mine!

This legal affinity thing scares the living shit out of me.

And you know what? In many countries affinity is dissolved neither by divorce nor by death. So you can dump his ass or he can drop dead, but you're still stuck with the in-laws.

If that's not evil I don't know what is.

Thank you for reading! I've written this article to celebrate the fact that Medium has just anointed me top writer in satire. So, if you've liked this one, here's the rest of my satire so far: