So you've bought into the institution of marriage. Yay! That institution comes with presents. Double yay! But if you don't tell people what to buy you, you'll end up with a bunch of dust collectors and who needs that? Below is the cold hard truth about whether those shiny, shiny household trinkets will be must-haves or useless paperweights. There is plenty of common wisdom about traditional wedding gifts that just plain sucks. Items touted and taunted below are all from dedicated wedding website recommendation articles. Use this guide to pick the right stuff for your registry and leave the bougie nonsense out (but don't be too upset if Great Aunt Agatha ignores your list and gives you an ugly vase anyway— these things happen).

If you're looking for more useful and less sarcastic help with wedding planning, check out Wow, Weddings are Expensive for tips on how to save some cash.

For The Kitchen and Dining Room

A champaigne and punch bowl

No, you won't throw dinner parties just because you're married. Hard Pass

A set of glass tumblers

Adults should have matching glasses. Good choice. Pick

A fancy stand mixer

Are you basically the next Julia Child? Then Pick.

Gonna start after you get married? No, you won't, Pass.

A free-standing pizza oven

Yes, according to theknot this is a popular choice. Seriously, who are you kidding? Pass.

An espresso or latté machine

Already make coffee at home and love espresso? Great, Pick.

Know full well you're gonna fall back into that Starbucks habit when you remember coffee requires effort? Pass.

Wanna be able to tell people you have an espresso machine so you sound sophisticated? Lying is cheaper, still a Pass.

Cocktail shaker and bar set

If you wanted one you'd already have it and that one still works fine. Pass.

A cake stand

Have you literally ever once served cake? No? Pass.

Do you have a cake stand, but it's fancy, so you're saving it for a special enough day? That day will never come; use the stand; Pass.

You don't have a cake stand, and you actually serve cake often enough to justify a dedicated item for it? Just use a regular plate. Pass.

Pot holders and oven gloves

Stop burning yourself using a ratty dishtowel. Pick.

A pasta maker

This is almost as bad as the pizza oven. Pass.

A pie plate

If you didn't make pie before the wedding, you're not going to start making it after. Pass.

A citrus zester or microplane

Another case of if you really wanted one you'd already have it. Pass.

A carving set

HAHAHAHAHHAHAHHHAHA. Pass.

A garlic press

You're an adult; learn to use a knife. Pass.

An electric kettle

Does your old one have so much build-up your tea tastes like metal? Time to give your tea an easy upgrade. Pick.

Does your old one have melted plastic parts, a fraying cord, or a broken or missing lid? You should have already replaced it, but better late than never. Pick.

Do you boil water on the stove and make everybody nervous you're going to burn yourself? Stop that. Pick.

A wine chiller

You already have a fridge. Pass.

A gravy boat

It isn't 1956. Pass.

A bar cart

Alcoholism isn't a personality trait. Pass.

Napkin rings

I'm too annoyed these are a suggestion to make fun of them. Of course not, Pass.

For The Bathroom

Bath towels

A friend once invited me to stay at her place out of town for the weekend. After my shower she handed me her only towel — it smelled like mould. Don't be that guy. Pick.

A bath mat

Yours is definitely mouldy. Replace it. Pick.

Toilet brushes with holders

See bath mat. Pick.

A vanity mirror

Have you been checking your reflection in the back of a spoon until now? You have one, Pass.

For Everywhere Else

A doormat with your last name on it

Friends don't let friends make themselves easy scam targets. Pass.

A tool set

It's time you stop calling your dad when your sink drips. Pick.

Throw cushions

I promise you already have enough. Yes, even if you don't have any. Pass.

All-weather furniture

Do you have a backyard? In this economy?! If you say so. Pick.

A picnic set

Do you picnic? I don't believe you. Pass.

A Christmas ornament with your names and wedding date

Literally why? Pass.