Psychological strategies for overcoming self-criticism
Self-criticism is something that I have always struggled with. Obsessing over my past mistakes, ruminating over situations and harshly criticising myself were normal patterns I would fall into.
I know I'm not alone in this.
As a psychologist, I commonly come across clients who struggle with self-criticism. They are quick to judge themselves, call themselves 'stupid' or apologise unnecessarily.
It got me thinking about why many of us are quick to fall into self-criticism. Although my self-criticism made me feel quite bad about myself, I also realised that, in a backward way, it made me feel better about myself. Like many high-achievers, I thought that by being self-critical, I was pushing myself to become a better person. I believed that if I was hard enough on myself, I would avoid making mistakes in the future, and more successfully reach my goals.
However, in more recent years, I began to realise that my self-criticism was not as helpful as I initially thought. In fact, research has shown that self-criticism can lead to interference with goal progression, by reducing motivation and self-esteem, and increasing procrastination. Self-criticism is also strongly associated with a range of mental illnesses including depression, anxiety, addictions and eating disorders. The evidence points to the reality that self-criticism is incredibly harmful to mental health and well-being.
It wasn't easy for me to overcome my self-criticism, and in many ways, it is still an ongoing struggle. But through my experience as a therapist, I learnt new theories and strategies for dealing with self-criticism. These are some of them.
Become Aware of the Triggers
My self-critical thought patterns wouldn't come out of the blue. There were definite triggers that made me slip into negative and harsh self-talk. I began to take note of trigger situations, in order to understand why they would lead me towards self-criticism. One of my triggers appeared to be social situations.
I remember going to a party in college and accidentally calling an acquaintance by the wrong name. He gently corrected me and while I was momentarily embarrassed, the conversation continued normally between us. However, internally, my self-critical thoughts were running rampage. I was beating myself up for this minor slip-up, insulting myself and obsessing that I had somehow drastically hurt his feelings.
Eventually, I realised that social situations triggered my self-criticism because of the pressure I felt in front of others. I wasn't allowing myself to make the inevitable slip-ups, mistakes and awkward moments that inevitably come in social situations. And so, I realised I had to choose between never going to social events again, or accepting that sometimes I was going to stuff up, and that was normal and okay. Once I became aware of the trigger, and accepting of my imperfection, I began to cope better with my self-criticism in social situations.
Talk Back to the Self-Critical Voice
As I began to accept the normalcy of making mistakes, I began to wonder if there was anything I could do when my self-critical voice started to berate and bully me. Did I just have to suffer through this negative internal monologue, or was there another way?
In Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) there is a cognitive technique called thought challenging. In thought challenging, you essentially talk back to the negative thought, explaining why it isn't true or helpful. You then introduce a competing, alternative thought, that is more grounded and healthy.
For example, if your self-critical voice says, "everyone in the room is smarter than you," a way to talk back to the self-critical voice might be, "sure, everyone here is intelligent in their own way, but so am I, and I have something of value to contribute to the conversation."
I implement thought challenging by thanking my self-critical thoughts when they popped up, and then reflecting why they weren't true or helpful. I would also remind myself of my value, building myself up again when the self-critical thoughts were trying to tear me down.
Practice Self-Compassion
This gentler, forgiving and more encouraging approach to self-dialogue is known as self-compassion. Self-compassion is defined by Dr Kristin Neff as:
By taking on this self-compassionate approach, being kind and understanding with myself, I began to respond better to my self-criticism. I would remind myself of my positive qualities and value as a human being. I was also compassionately forgiving myself over mistakes and failures.
While my self-critical voice was harsh and judgemental, my self-compassionate voice was gentle and accepting. I started to listen to it more, and eventually it drowned out the negative, self-critical voice. Like switching between radio stations, I realised that I had the power to change channels from 'why I suck' radio to 'why I am a valuable person' radio. Needless to say, the latter radio station was far more enjoyable to listen to.
Start Self-Improving
After practicing acceptance and self-compassion, I realised that there were certain improvements I could make, especially in situations where my self-criticism was triggered. For example, by using another CBT principle called Exposure, I would deliberately put myself in social situations, where I would have to use my social skills. With time and practice, those situations became less daunting and more relaxing for me to be in.
So, at college, I put my hand up for the student representative program, took a volunteer job at a crisis call centre and did my best to talk to people in my classes, even when I felt nervous or uncomfortable. My self-critical voice would still pipe up saying negative things to me, but I focused on the positive contributions I was making, and the confidence I was gaining.
Self-criticism, without action, is like treading water - unproductive, tiring and not getting you anywhere. But by transforming self-criticism into small positive actions, I learnt that I could make some positive improvements in my life.
The Takeaway
Self-criticism is an unhelpful pattern of thinking that a lot of us fall into. By learning to understand my triggers, talking back to my self-critical voice, practicing self-compassion and trying to self-improve, I began to cope and slowly overcome my self-criticism. And you can too.
Let go of who you think you should be in order to be who you are. Be imperfect and have compassion for yourself. - Brené Brown