There is a very noticeable online trend since the advent of #metoo. That trend involves men having some very strong feelings when the term toxic masculinity is used, whether by a man or by a woman.

This is a term that I use from time to time in my writings. Every time I do, I get a herd of men stampeding to my comments section, pointy horns at the ready. They will loftily inform me that masculinity isn't toxic. That toxic masculinity doesn't exist. That it's not fair that everyone thinks masculinity is toxic now. That saying the words toxic masculinity means I'm a misandrist.

Sometimes when talking to people, I tell them that I have red hair. This, of course, does not mean that all hair is red. People know this because they use their eyes to look around and see that some people have red hair, sure, but some have blonde. Some have brown hair, some have black, some have pink and purple.

When using the term toxic masculinity, the same principle can be applied. Some masculinity is toxic, but using our eyes to take a look around us, we can see that not all masculinity is toxic.

Definitions are changing

I should add here that traditional definitions of what is masculine and what is feminine are rapidly changing as more people come to understand that gender does not operate on a binary. For the purposes of this essay, though, let's look at traditional Western definitions of these terms. Through this lens, to be feminine means to be submissive, pleasant, domestically inclined, and nurturing. Be a lady. To be masculine means to be strong, stoic, protective, and a provider. Be a man.

And then there's toxic masculinity. This is male behavior dominated by aggression, violence, entitlement, abuse, control, and an innate and often unconscious feeling of superiority over women.

And then there's toxic masculinity. This is male behavior dominated by aggression, violence, entitlement, abuse, control, and an innate and often unconscious feeling of superiority over women.

Men who perform toxic masculinity don't view women as people in their own right. Rather, women are there to supply whatever the toxic man feels entitled to, be it sex, control over our bodies, emotional and domestic labor, babies, femininity, good looks, or high value. What we wish or desire is irrelevant in the face of toxic masculinity's entitlement.

Not all masculinity is toxic

As we've said, though, not all masculinity is inherently toxic. And it's not an issue that's black or white. Men can hold varying degrees of toxicity in their identities. And for most it hasn't been a conscious choice. They didn't wake up one day and say "Hey, I think I'm going to shape my life around toxic masculinity." Rather, it's ingrained in our patriarchal society's conditioning. Toxic masculinity is seen as the polar opposite of traditional femininity, and hey, opposites attract, right? The more masculine a man is, the "higher value" (read: traditionally feminine) woman he deserves.

It doesn't work that way, though. Women are increasingly disinclined to form partnerships with those who demonstrate toxic masculinity. And that's because, while a rare breed, men with healthy masculinity do in fact exist.

You can identify one of these mythical creatures by noting that they are not overly interested in masculinity but in maturity. They listen when inherent misogyny is pointed out to them, and do the work to dismantle it. They do their best to see women as humans and not as receptacles for their own wants and needs.

Men with healthy masculinity don't tend to care much about their masculinity at all. Because while toxic masculinity absolutely exists, not all masculinity is toxic.

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