Command. Dismiss. Demand.

Men love to say it: "Respect is earned."

And yet, somehow, they hand it to each other like breath mints.

He parks like a jerk? Still gets called "sir." He yells in a meeting? "Strong personality." He's never done a damn thing for anyone but himself? "Solid guy."

But women? We're told to earn it. Smile first. Prove value. Say it softly. Be nice. Be gracious. Then maybe, maybe, you'll get some basic courtesy in return. And even then, don't get too comfortable — it can be revoked at any moment.

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This isn't about ego. It's about equity. And about time we name the dynamic for what it is: Respect is gendered. And women are still stuck paying interest on something men inherited for free.

Did you just swallow your gum?

The Respect Men Just… Give Each Other

There's a kind of silent, automatic social currency among men. The nod in passing. The deference in a meeting. The "man to man" conversation that assumes mutual ground, regardless of behavior.

Men don't have to like each other to respect each other. They just… do. It's not based on merit, values, or decency. It's just part of the bro code: baseline recognition, reinforced by cultural cues, handed over without evaluation.

But when a woman walks into the room? Suddenly, the bar is raised. She has to be qualified, competent, nice — but not too nice. Direct — but not aggressive. Confident — but don't you dare call attention to it.

Respect isn't offered. It's rationed.

What "Earning It" Looks Like for Women

For women, respect is tied to performance.

You're not just a woman — you're an audition tape. Every word, tone, facial expression, outfit, and facial microexpression is evaluated. You have to prove you belong. And then keep proving it.

And while you're doing all that?

Men don't have to like each other to respect each other. They just… do.

Your male colleagues are interrupting, under-prepared, winging it, promoting each other, and receiving a level of default regard for showing up with a pulse and a belt.

Respect for women is conditional. Respect for men is inherited. And that's not just ironic. It's infuriating.

The Social Currency of Male Respect

Among men, respect functions like a gentleman's agreement. It says: I'll back you, cover for you, overlook your screw-ups, vouch for you — even when you don't deserve it.

This is how bad behavior gets minimized. "He's a good guy." "That's just how he is." "Don't take it personally."

This built-in loyalty shows up everywhere — from locker rooms to boardrooms. Men benefit from a halo effect women are still trying to earn by proving they're not "difficult."

And when women expect the same baseline respect?

Suddenly we're "entitled." "Overreacting." Or my personal favorite — "emotional."

Why the Standard Persists

It starts early. Boys are taught to command respect. Girls are taught to be respectful.

Little boys who are loud, assertive, and independent? "Leaders in the making." Little girls who show the same traits? "Bossy." "Too much." "Needs to tone it down."

Fast forward twenty years, and the workplace reflects it. Women are expected to be likable before they're listened to. Men are just expected to speak.

Leadership studies show over and over again: assertiveness is rewarded in men, penalized in women. Men are credited for potential; women must bring proof of performance and references.

And still, the world tells us the rules are the same.

What If We Reversed the Question?

What if, instead of women constantly trying to "earn" respect, we started asking what men have done to deserve it?

Women are expected to be likable before they're listened to. Men are just expected to speak.

What if we made them navigate tone, de-escalate their own egos, and apologize for speaking confidently in a room?

What if we took the phrase "respect is earned" and applied it — actually applied it — to the loudest guy in the room?

What would happen then?

The Respect Women Deserve — Without the Hoop Jumping

Women aren't asking for worship. They're not asking for special treatment. They're asking for equal terms.

The same baseline acknowledgment. The same professional courtesy. The same assumption of competence. The same freedom to speak and be taken seriously without needing a masterclass in emotional management and social acrobatics.

If men can give that to each other automatically, they can give it to women, too. And if they can't?

If men are capable of extending respect to each other — no questions asked, no hoops to jump through — then they're clearly capable of offering that same baseline respect to women. It's not a lack of ability. It's a choice.

And if they won't?

Then maybe it's not women who need to work harder to earn respect.

Maybe it's men who need to start proving they deserve the authority they assume they already have.

📚 Resources & Further Reading

1. The Authority Gap and Gender Bias in Leadership

• The Authority Gap: Why Women Are Still Taken Less Seriously Than Men This article explores the persistent disparities in how authority is perceived between genders, highlighting the challenges women face in being recognized as leaders.

2. Women in the Workplace Reports

• Women in the Workplace 2024: Key Findings & Takeaways The latest comprehensive study on the state of women in corporate America, examining trends, challenges, and opportunities.
• Women in the Workplace 2023: Debunking Four Myths That Hold Women Back This report addresses common misconceptions about women's experiences in the workplace and provides data-driven insights.

3. Communication and Visibility Challenges

• Why Women Face a Sound Barrier in Their Fight to Be Heard An exploration of the obstacles women encounter in being heard and acknowledged in professional settings.
• Research: Incivility at Work Silences Everyone, But Especially Women A study highlighting how workplace incivility disproportionately affects women's willingness to speak up.

4. Gender Stereotypes and Leadership

• Women Now Seen as Equally or More Competent Than Men Research indicating shifts in perceptions of women's competence and leadership abilities.
• Women Leaders Make Work Better. Here's the Science Behind How to Do It An article discussing the positive impact of women in leadership roles and strategies to increase their representation.

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Lynn is a narcissistic abuse recovery coach, and podcast host, and might start selling 4B mugs (let me know if you need one) while creating videos on her YouTube channel to bring the message of healing and recovery. Learn more on her website here.