It was just another Monday morning staff meeting at a well-known tech startup in Southern California.
Daniel, the head of engineering, was droning on about the latest revenue projections. He opened the floor for input, so I offered constructive criticism of his numbers.
Daniel immediately shut me down, saying, "Thanks for the feedback, sweetie, but I've got this."
The dismissive comment rubbed me the wrong way, but I didn't address it then. Having input ignored by men at work because of my sex happened all too often. I figured it was just another case of run-of-the-mill office sexism. As the day went on, the incident kept gnawing at me. By the afternoon, my simmering anger had turned into full-blown rage.
Daniel's comment was more than just sexist — it was a prime example of deep-seated misogyny, the kind that makes you want to throw your coffee mug at the nearest male ego.
We frequently underestimate the power we have in shaping how others treat us. Our actions, words, and choices set the standards for our relationships. If we consistently allow disrespectful behaviour, we teach those around us that such treatment is permissible.
The sole path to shifting the dynamic lies in calling people out on the spot — no delays, no excuses. Next time, I won't let it slide.
Sexism vs. Misogyny
Too often, we incorrectly use "sexism" and "misogyny" interchangeably when they are pretty distinct issues. The difference is vast, comparable to a minor paper cut versus losing a limb. Correctly understanding the separation between the two is critical to combating each one effectively.
Sexism involves prejudiced beliefs about one gender's superiority over the other, stemming from outdated gender stereotypes like the notion that a woman's place is in the home, birthing babies and cooking meals. At the same time, men tackle the professional world.
Misogyny, however, goes further — it is an entrenched hatred, contempt, and prejudice against women and girls specifically. More than just unequal treatment, it's an ideological stance that views females as fundamentally inferior beings deserving subjugation, like a horrific real-world Handmaid's Tale.
Cooking Up An Equity Lesson Over Lunch
A couple of weeks prior, my husband's colleagues visited our town. After he cooked them lunch, they made appreciative sounds over the delicious meal. But then they turned to me to express thanks, likely assuming antiquated gender roles meant the food prep was my doing. I corrected them, explaining my husband is our household's enthusiastic chef.
Later that night, I reflected on how different things were back in my home country of Trinidad regarding traditional gender roles and expectations for women. There, their mothers taught young girls homemaking skills like cooking from a very early age. The implicit message was that a woman's primary duty was to serve others, especially men, in domestic capacities.
However, my mother, may she rest in peace, bucked those outdated conventions. Rather than instructing my sister and me on housewife duties, she encouraged us to prioritize education, financial independence, and forging our paths in life. And that's exactly what we did—we focused on developing ourselves as individuals before taking on any caregiving responsibilities.
Thanks to her guidance, I never felt obligated to be a non-stop homemaker and server to others.
So when those colleagues assumed the meal was my handiwork based on antiquated traditions, I corrected them. In our modern household, domestic roles aren't bound to gender — just to each person's skills, interests and balanced contributions to the family unit. And YES, they made fun of my husband, but I can assure you he didn't care.
The Daniels Of The Tech World
The way Daniel smugly called me "sweetie" exposed his misogynistic attitude and desire to treat me as inferior rather than as an equal professional.
He intended to demean and disempower me, like a petulant toddler who just had his favourite toy taken away.
The difference between the two is critical because misogyny is more pernicious and more challenging to dislodge than your run-of-the-mill sexist ideas.
You can educate and evolve past sexist notions more quickly than you can re-programme hate-fuelled misogynistic beliefs.
Misogyny is deeply entrenched, like a stubborn weed that keeps growing back no matter how many times you pull it.
Men have long controlled the technology industry, and women have frequently encountered unfair stereotypes about their skills.
Even though more women are now going into STEM fields, misogynistic views and unfair treatment persist. However, we cannot simply accept this state of affairs, as misogyny holds back innovation across the entire industry.
So, how do we take a stand against this systemic problem in tech?
Call It Out Directly
- Speak up at the moment when you witness misogynistic behaviour or comments. Use clear, concise language to explain why the behaviour is inappropriate.
- Use "I" statements to express how the behaviour makes you feel, such as "I find that comment offensive and inappropriate."
- Be specific about the behaviour you're addressing, and avoid generalizations or personal attacks.
Back It Up With Data
- Record specific instances of negative behaviour, including dates, times, and any witnesses.
- Gather data on gender disparities in your workplace, such as pay gaps, promotion rates, or leadership representation.
- Present the data objectively and use it to illustrate the need for change.
Demand Systemic Accountability
- Advocate for clear policies and procedures that address bad behaviour and hold offenders accountable.
- Support and amplify the voices of women and allies who speak out against misogyny in tech.
- Hold leadership accountable for creating and maintaining a safe, inclusive work environment.
Amplify Collective Voices
- Encourage women to share their stories on social media, write op-eds, form employee resource groups, and collaborate on demands for change.
- Create collaborative spaces, such as private forums or meetups, where women can share their experiences.
- Offer support and solidarity to those who come forward, and protect their privacy if they wish to remain anonymous.
Focus On Elevating, Not Tearing Down
- Highlight the achievements and contributions of women in tech, both within your organization and in the industry at large.
- Mentor and sponsor women in your workplace, helping them to advance their careers and take on leadership roles.
- Encourage men to be active allies by speaking out against misogyny and supporting their female colleagues.
- Establish a culture of collaboration and mutual respect, where everyone's ideas and opinions are valued.
- Celebrate the progress and successes in creating a more inclusive tech industry while acknowledging the work that still needs to be done.
The time has come to take out the tech world's trash and clear the way for a more diverse, inclusive, and, yes, prosperous future.
Because when you accept the brilliance and creativity that women bring to the table, the whole ecosystem benefits.
If you want to support us truly, put your money where your mouth is and provide the resources, opportunities, and platforms we need to thrive.
Thanks for stopping by to read!
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