I keep a handwritten list of ideas for my essays in my journal. Whenever I have an idea, I quickly jot it down so I don't forget it, and then I move on with whatever I was doing.

I get A LOT of ideas. In the past three weeks alone, I've added over 200 essay topic ideas.

Yesterday, I looked at a page of ideas written three weeks ago. I wanted to mark off any essay topics that I actually did write.

The first idea I came to, "Explain Alexithymia for Autism" felt very familiar. I remembered specific points and knew I must have written an essay. But when I searched for it in my list of written essays, it wasn't there. There was so much detail in my mind about the essay that I figured some mistake must have occurred.

I searched my Google Drive for "Alexithymia." There was nothing.

I did not write the essay.

All of the ideas were just in my mind. It's not like I sat and contemplated what I would write for the topic, they were just there.

This is often how an AuDHD mind works. I call it constellation thinking — where one thought leads to an instantaneous constellation of other thoughts. It's expansive thinking that happens spontaneously, without any effort. In fact, most people cannot control it. It's just what their mind does.

Another way to visualize it is to think of a Christmas tree. It's like all of the Christmas tree lights turn on at once. It's not something I intentionally do. It just happens.

My AuDHD therapy clients, who are also extremely intelligent, describe similar situations. Many share that when ideas are discussed at work, they instantly think of all of the different scenarios and computations. Their minds make extrapolations, analyze the consequences, assess the different possibilities, and more.

What's particularly remarkable is that this level of thinking is not just tied to one train of thought. It branches off into connecting ideas, which then have more connecting ideas, and so on.

Thinking at this level is a mixed bag. It can be exhilarating. It leads to innovation. It leads to fresh perspectives.

It can also be overwhelming or exhausting. It can be distracting when you're trying to focus on the conversation at hand, instead of the thoughts exploding in your mind.

It can also be frustrating when you're working in a team and people disregard your insights. It can also be challenging to clearly articulate the web of thoughts that instantly appear in your head. They make absolute sense to you, but how to briefly describe each aspect of a constellation?

This is why some AuDHD people prefer to work independently. They can work at the pace of their mind and don't have to worry about how to make sense to others.

If I was in a team meeting about which of my essay ideas to pursue and someone said alexithymia, I would have declared, "No, I already wrote an essay about that." When questioned, I would have described all of the details that popped into my head. They're so clear, it feels like I must have taken the time to transcribe them.

And yet, 95% of the time, there is no essay to be found. It's all just in my head.

It's probably why I write so voraciously. There's so much in there I'm trying to get out. I'm stuck describing a star within the little dipper, while my mind is contemplating the universe.

Fun side note, I did eventually write that essay on alexithymia

Thank you for reading. If you would like to work with an autistic therapist, I provide monthly art therapy tailored to autistic clients.