Dating men can be disheartening when you are an individual who was assigned female at birth. There can be subtle signs of misogyny with male partners, gender roles to worry about, and a sense of inequality since we live in a mostly patriarchal world. I've had ample negative experiences with men, from androcentric sex, sexist rhetoric, sexual assault/coercion, to an internal struggle of being my authentic, non-binary self (especially with cisgender, straight men).

However, one thing that has bothered me is some straight women stating they wish they were a lesbian, so they wouldn't have to deal with men. Any variation of this statement stems from a place of discontentment with men and having to navigate dating in a patriarchal world filled with toxic masculinity.

On the other hand, dating women when you're female isn't a walk in the park either. That comes with its own set of tribulations. These are some of the obstacles I've encountered in my quest to date women.

A Smaller Dating Pool

I currently live in a suburban area with a less than robust queer community. In high school and even growing up, I didn't have many queer friends, and I hardly interacted with people who weren't cis and/or straight. Even at my mostly liberal university, the queer population was measly. On a statistical level, queer people are a part of the minority, so I'm more likely to encounter a straight man than a queer woman.

Most of the people I've been with have been men, not because I'm more attracted to them romantically or sexually. The odds are just in my favor to find a man to have sex with/date compared to a woman. My best bet at finding a woman to date is through online dating, which is a whole other challenge of its own.

Sometimes, it feels like an impossible task to find a queer woman I'm attracted to who is also attracted to me and who I'm compatible with, and this is exacerbated by having such a small dating pool to pick from.

Things Usually Go Nowhere

From my experiences, things tend to fizzle out more rapidly in a same-sex pairing. There have been multiple occasions where there's been a sign of mutual interest between me and a woman, but no one took the initiative to progress things. No one sent the first message on a dating app. No one wanted to ask the other person out on an actual date, and no one wanted to take the next step in keeping the momentum of the relationship going.

Many people who grew up being treated like women (even if they don't identify as one) have been taught by society to wait to be pursued. When the relationship is between two females, at least one person must get out of that mentality to move things forward. Dating women has made me more assertive and active in my dating life, and I no longer hesitate to send the first message on a dating app, to ask someone out, to have necessary conversations about the state of the relationship or to take steps to progress things further or end the courtship. This wasn't always the case.

It's been much easier to go further in a relationship with men because, with most men, they pursued me while with women, more times than not, I had to do the pursuing.

Female-Female Relationships Aren't Taken Seriously

Most of the important people in my life know I'm bisexual, but my mother still believes it's a phase, and I don't know what I want. In her mind, I'm trying something out, and I'll end up with a man in the long run.

This is a sadly prevalent belief, especially when it comes to same-sex pairings that involve two females. The relationship between two females is usually seen frivolously as compared to the one between a man and a woman. This is why some straight men aren't fazed by their girlfriends sleeping with other women, but they would become belligerent at the thought of their partner being with another man. This is why when two women make out in front of a crowd, they can both publicly maintain their heterosexual status without any qualms.

This is why when I was getting ready for a date with a girl I had been seeing for over a month, my mom asked where I was going. I told her I was meeting up with this girl, who she knew about, and she said, "Oh, your friend, right?"

None of the men I was in the dating phase with in the past were ever referred to as my "friend," and things weren't much difference between me and this girl and the men from my past. She and I went out on dates, we texted each other every day, we would FaceTime frequently, and we had typical behaviors of two people who were dating.

With women, there's almost an urgency to validate the legitimacy of the relationship and a need to distinguish it from a platonic friendship or some ephemeral experimentation. With men, there is almost an automatic assumption that things are romantic, even when they aren't.

Heterosexism

This is an obvious one but being with men when you were assigned female at birth is normalized. The portrayal of opposite-sex pairings is ubiquitous, and most people assume you're straight until proven otherwise. I discuss my opposite-sex attractions with most people uninhibited, but I must regularly discern who I can disclose my same-sex attraction to.

Same-sex marriage has been legal in all U.S. states for only five years, and so many queer pairings are plagued with the dreaded reality of one or both partners being in the closet. The first girl I went on a date with was in the closet to her family, and it wasn't a pleasant start to a budding relationship. A relationship is difficult enough on its own, but secrets, lies, fear for one's safety, and place in society along with internalized homophobia are an amalgamation for trouble.

We still live in a world where being queer isn't completely safe. There are repercussions to loving and being with someone of the same sex. Consequences that may come in the form of violence for expressing our love for our partners, risking our social standing for said love, the obstacles to building a family and life together, and sometimes a paucity of legal protection against discrimination. These are privileges many opposite-sex couples take for granted, even though many queer couples don't have access to these same protections and acceptance.

Regardless of Gender, Dating Is Hard When Feelings Are Involved

Most importantly, dating can be tough, regardless of your gender or the gender you become romantically and sexually entangled with. We all endure heartache, ghosting, emotionally unavailable partners, people who have ambivalent feelings about us and ambiguous intentions, and adversity in trying to maintain our relationships.

When we have genuine feelings involved and experience a legitimate attraction to someone, we get invested and that emotional vulnerability makes us susceptible to getting hurt. Some straight women claim this desire to be a lesbian because they aren't romantically and sexually attracted to women. This lack of feelings means there's less at stake for them when they envision being with a woman, but when you truly care, there's always a risk of heartache and frustrations.

Like men, women have hurt me because unlike straight women, I'm romantically invested. Being ghosted or stood up or led on by a woman hurts just as much as those things being done by a man.

Dating women can be an arduous task, but many times, the best things in life don't always come easy. I'm going to keep pursuing women because all the challenges thrown in don't make queer love any less beautiful.