(Nicole Ploni for HERZ)

Two nights ago, my friend who we will call "Jerome" accused me of being racist when I telephoned him very late at night and asked if he wanted to come over and 'hit.'

He says that I exploit him for sex but will not consider a serious relationship because he is a Black man.

Not only that — he says that I have a pattern of seducing a certain type of Black man (young, muscular, very good-looking) and using them for sex and then discarding them.

Although I do not agree that I am 'racist' — I do admit, and this is very hard for me, but, I do admit that his accusations of me exploiting hot looking Black guys for sex and not considering them for full blown relationships is true.

Hopefully… you readers will allow me to explain this before burning me at the stake or before deciding that I'm just a racist.

I am not racist. I am also… not White.

But I do admit that… society usually sees me as like… a White girl with seasoning if that makes sense? I am mixed race. People generally think that I am Italian or Greek. White women tell me that I remind them of Ann Hathaway. White men say that I bring to mind Kim Kardashian without the thick figure (I'm skinny but shapely). I suppose I have a slight olive undertone in my skin. But I am regarded as being a White girl.

Every once in a while (very rarely)… a Black woman will ask me if I am mixed with 'some Black.' I always answer truthfully. I am about five percent African. Nowhere near enough to claim that I am part Black.

There are no Black people in my family. My father was a highly mixed race person though he identified successfully as White and Jewish. He was usually thought to be Italian or Greek. My mother is White Irish and Scottish.

I am twenty-three years old and struggling with much more than just identity. In an earlier post, I revealed that I'm an Elf girl:

What's an Elf girl?

We're hot Wicca chicks (usually ages 18–24) who consciously and officially consider our sexuality to be 'experimental.' We've made a pact whereby we won't decide if we're officially heterosexual or lesbian or in between (bisexual?) until we're at least thirty years old, at which point, our pact allows us to have children if we wish. Many of us — not all — but maybe say half us Elf girls are into a form of organic witchcraft called Wicca. It's more about being one with nature and smoking the purest weed than casting spells or trying to have power over other people. We aren't creepy or Satanic or anything. We generally believe in love, friendship, family and kindness just like any other human being. Elf girls drink an indecent amount of water, practice keeping our vaginas tight by walking at least one hour per day with marbles inserted inside (no joke!) and we generally keep up with hot boy high tech social media gurus like Joe Rogan, Tom Bilyeu and Yuval Noah Harari.

I have been open and honest with Jerome. I tried to explain to Jerome the hardships of my life. Those who follow HERZ closely know that I am considered the beautiful but 'unsettled' one in the group. In a previous article entitled "Wanting Attention…But Needing Respect" I wrote about my journey trying to figure out who I am and the fact that I'm in deep therapy. I touched on my various eccentricities.

The reason I enjoy hot sex with Black guys but avoid relationships with them is because, frankly, I don't think I could take the public scrutiny on top of everything else that I deal with.

Being in an interracial relationship is still not easy in 2024. Especially not easy for White girls or even 'perceived' White girls as we are dealt a lot of isolation and shunned by our families and communities in a low key way. It would require me to do a lot of protesting and standing up for my relationship.

I love all human beings. I love Black people. In fact, I find myself very angry at times over the way that Black people are treated in our society. I don't want to be someone who adds to that injustice. But at the same time, I don't have the courage to act as an activist.

I just don't want to be saddled with that burden when really my heart is not up for the fight.

Beyond sex — I'm not even that interested in guys anyway.

I would more likely have a serious relationship with a Black woman to be honest. I find it much easier to relate to women emotionally and psychologically. My sex with women is closer to a loving expression. It's not as rough and animalistic as the sex I enjoy with men.

But then — I prefer the rougher sex with men because it's so hot and devoid of any emotional conflicts. Men make me feel like a prize. They make my body feel alive and powerful. I have more of a hunger for them sexually than I do for my female lovers.

Is there anyone out there who can relate to me? Can you understand where I am coming from? I am truly sorry to those Black men who resent women like me for not having the courage to sign up for the whole relationship and the mixed kids and all of that. I think it's wonderful and beautiful when I see those blended romances and blended families. But I personally don't think that's the hill I'm here to die on.

*SPECIAL NOTE: A sequel to this article has been written here.

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