I ran into an old friend this weekend. Hadn't seen her in years. We did the obligatory "So, what are all your kids up to these days" kind of catch-up.

"And what about your son?" she asked as I finished bullet-pointing children one and two's accomplishments.

"She's a daughter now."

"Oh, that's nice. You have all girls."

"Yup, she just started grad school."

"Cool, what's her field? Mine just finished a Masters in Chemistry."

I've had a warm glow all weekend.

I don't need you to start flying the rainbow flag. You don't have to offer up your opinions on Caitlyn Jenner, the bathroom laws of various states or expressions of surprise, sympathy, or support. Your only obligation is to use the proper name and pronouns.

Maybe you think transitioning to another gender is sinful, stupid, or scary. I don't want to hear your opinion. When you explained how your entire family's life was now revolving around your ten-year-old's travel football team despite his minor concussion last week, I kept my mouth shut so I know not sharing thoughts is possible.

Demonizing transgender people and their supporters is a popular right-wing talking point these days, but most people still want to be kind. They just aren't certain what to say or do.

Do you want a list of do's and don'ts? Yeah, sorry. I could write one but it would only apply to me. Trans people are all different and so are their family members. So I'm going to give you my story, examples of how people reacted and how I felt. Draw your own conclusions.

I'm from the government and I'm here to help

The world of parenting a teen in transition is full of anxiety. How will people react? A trip to the DMV to change the name and gender markers on her Driver's Permit filled me with fear. I want to protect my child but in most situations, all I can do is stand by ready to fight if necessary.

"Oh," said the tiny middle-aged Asian woman at the counter. "I've never done one of these before." She beamed up at us. "What a privilege to assist you."

"Do you mind if I come out from behind the counter and give you a hug?" she asked as she finished the paperwork. "Congratulations on embracing your true self dear."

I've cried in frustration at the DMV before but tears of joy were a first.

For a variety of reasons, we had to file the passport paperwork at a ruby-red southern county office. The clerk was reading every line of the application and supporting documents carefully. I started to get nervous.

"I'm sorry I'm taking so long," she smiled and used my daughter's name. "I want to make absolutely sure everything is correct so this one sails through easily for you.

These two women will never know how much they meant to me. We consider them heroes.

A Tale of Two Cousins

My niece ran up to my daughter at the first family gathering post-announcement. She hugged her cousin, said, "I'm so proud of you," and then called her by her former name. She was utterly horrified by her mistake, immediately corrected herself, and apologized profusely.

No one likes to hear the dead name but this error was so clearly made in love it wiped away any sting. My niece had been practicing in the car. She was so determined to show love and support her anxiety about getting it right made her say it wrong.

Another cousin never once got the name or pronouns incorrect. That's because she didn't speak to my daughter for the entire four-day event. She also got out of the pool anytime her cousin got in and moved from a bed in the shared bunk bed room where all the cousins slept to a sleeping bag on the floor of her parent's room.

Guess which cousin made our immediate family feel loved, supported and welcome? Screwing up the name or pronouns might happen accidentally, especially at first. I'm not saying it doesn't hurt. But correct yourself, move on quickly and all is well. Your loving heart and good intentions will carry you through.

I suppose pointedly avoiding someone is better than saying something rude or hurtful but actions matter too. My daughter has not gone swimming or put on a bathing suit since this event several years ago.

Old men at church

"I don't understand any of this gender stuff but I'm sure it's stressful for your entire family. I do know God loves you, God loves New Name, and we here at church love you and her too." These kind words were accompanied with a side hug from a man in his seventies.

Another man the same age had the following question, "So, is she going to do the whole gender-bender surgery thing? How does that work?" He laughed at his clever phrasing.

I've written an entire story on our church's reaction to our daughter but these two men stand out. Do I need to spell out which one made church feel safe? The irony is the second man considered himself an affirming ally while the first really wasn't sure if transitioning was okay.

Unless you're considering gender-affirming medical treatment for yourself or a loved one, keep your idle curiosity to yourself. Google exists for a reason.

Guess which profession can't cope with pronouns?

The high school English teacher was awesome. Nurses on the other hand…

No other group misgenders as consistently as medical personnel. Not all of them of course. Most are lovely and make every effort to get things right. But the only professional people I've personally encountered who repeatedly misgender even after being corrected are all nurses.

It's dangerous to draw conclusions from just one source so I'd love to hear if your experiences were different.

Parents of my kid's friends

What would the Catholic mother whose son roomed with my daughter at band camp say when she heard the news? I needn't have worried.

She sent an email. "Hey Mary, I just heard about this LGBTQ support group at the school and thought of y'all. Here's the link."

Most parents never brought it up which is also a perfectly acceptable response. Treat us the same as before and you're an ally in my book.

"Hi, I'm Ann's mom. I just had to come over and introduce myself. I think you are the most amazing parent for supporting your daughter. She is so brave and you're so brave. It's just so amazingly brave what you are doing. I admire you both so much. Wow, you are both just so brave and amazing."

This conversation occurred at high volume in the middle of a bunch of band parents. I say conversation but my role was only to nod awkwardly, mumble thank you, and try to escape as she went on and on about how brave and amazing we were.

I do appreciate the sentiment but the last thing my daughter or I wanted was the attention. I'm not brave or amazing. I'm just a mom loving my kid. My daughter is brave and amazing but the best way to tell her is to simply treat her like any other girl.

Why was my weekend interaction perfect?

The old friend I ran into this weekend handled the news of my child's transition perfectly but so did I.

She took it in stride, briefly signaled approval, and moved the conversation along. It doesn't get any better than that from a casual acquaintance.

It's been a few years now since I last spoke to someone who knew my daughter before but wasn't aware of the after. Turns out I've changed too. The tightly wrought fear and anxiety of how people will react is gone.

In the early days, my thought process would have been something like this:

This person doesn't know yet. Do I say something? How do I work it into conversation casually? What do I know about this person and how they might respond? Is my daughter here listening? Does this person have the ability to hurt my child in some way? Who else can hear our conversation? Are they a threat? How do I make sure I signal my total love and acceptance of my child and her life?

All that while trying to carry on a conversation. It was exhausting. And mostly unnecessary. In the early days, my daughter did need me to shelter her from the initial response of some individuals. But most folks, whether they personally understand or approve of transgender people or not, don't care enough to cause a fuss one way or the other.

When I chatted with my long-lost friend last weekend, I was ready to roll right from daughter two to daughter three in my update without even remembering this might confuse her.

She asked about my son and I didn't hesitate or worry for a second. She lobbed the perfect opening I hadn't even been waiting for and I served it back nice and easy.

There's a lot of nasty rhetoric and legislation out there. If you want to be on the side of the angels consider how you'll react when you hear about someone transitioning.

It's surprisingly easy to be kind.

Pink Hair & Pronouns

Pink Hair & Pronouns is space for parents and caregivers of gender nonconforming kids. We honor the experiences of childhood gender expression and also welcome parents to share questions, thoughts, and feelings as they support their kids through it all. Come join us!